Story I told my Psychiatrist

Dear Dr. _______,

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I am writing this letter to go over all my mental health history and what happened with my last hospital admission. I was admitted first in the New West Mental Health in 2010 around 20 years old when I returned back home after moving out around 18 years old living in the condominium apartment of the brother of my work Manager that I rented the room for $400 buck a month and working full time as customer service call centre for an online money transfer company. During that time, I was introduced to cannabis by my friends from high school. I returned home after I lost my full-time job while taking night school program to upgrade my high school grades and having my heartbroken that my best friend slept with the first girl crush I had after high school that I liked. After moving back home my parents noticed that I was not talking much with them and they wanted to see if there is anything wrong with me mentally. So, my parents brought me to our family doctor who recommended that I should check in with the New Westminster Mental Health facility. There we met with Dr. Anwar who prescribed me with some pills but I did no take thinking that I was going to lose my power. And when we came back for the second time or third time, I told them that I was taking but my parent was worried because it was the time they found out that I was using cannabis. My parents were very strict and very old-fashioned parenting style so they worry about me. The next time we met with Dr. Anwar my mom was saying all the negative things that was happening like that I was not taking a bath everyday which during that time I was very immature at the time that I got outburst in anger that made me look like I was mad, so Dr. Anwar decided and told my parents that I should check in Sherbrook so that they can see if there is anything wrong with me. I was pick up by the ambulance and arrived in Sherbrooke hospital. It was my first time in a mental hospital and I was scared. During my stay I was afraid and cried in my room. The student doctor asked me if I see shadows and me being immature at the time answered Yes thinking it was funny answer not realising that they were asking me questions for my mental health evaluation. I admit that at the time I was very immature and rude lacking real world experience that I also say to him “
are you gay?” for asking to many questions not realising that they were doing a medical question. The next day they came back prescribing me with Clozapine. I was not able to let them know that I never took any antipsychotic medication that Dr. Anwar had given me in the community. (Not realizing at that time that clozapine is a strong anti psychotic medication and that I should have been explored with lower lesser serious anti-psychotic medicine first before clozapine). After a few weeks I was at Sherbrooke it was gradually increased to 200 mg and I gained a lot of weight where I could not button my size 30 inches waist denim jeans anymore. After getting the pass to go out Sherbrook I notice I felt no difference but just lethargic. When I was discharged, I was referred back with the New Westminster mental health EPI as a young adult patient in the community. My case manager referred to my family that I should be put in PWD assistance. And when we filled out the forms, we put down that I was not able to wake up early. At that time, I was sleeping a lot and waking up in the afternoon at 5pm. I went from weighing 150 lbs before the hospitalization to 230 lbs after. My case manager and the mental health team referred and told me that I should work out. It was hard for me to do because back then I believe I did not have the disciplined I have learned now and that I came from a different culture background where working out was not a thing. They got me with a nutritionist and a work out person at the New west mental health while I was regularly seeing my case manager Dr. Anwar. During that time, I was always compliant with everything and showed thankful to the New West mental health team. I noticed that I gained weight but never really realized it was a lot because I believe during that time, I was still young and did not have fully maturity and self awareness like I do now.

In the community after a while in order to make me wake up early, Dr Anwar added 5mg or 10mg of Abily because it was supposed to give insomnia so that it would balance the sleepiness side-effect of clozapine. I had changes with a couple of doctors but I took the medications every night for 7 years straight until around 2017 when I was working in the grocery department at Army & Navy in New West. At that time, I was reconnected with one of my original Filipino friends I met during high school. During that time, I was introduced and was bad influenced to try cocaine and Mdma where we would party and I would sometimes skip taking meds at night while working at Army Navy. During around December 2017 the job was getting very stressful. The company was doing bad performance and we were pressured by the upper management to do a lot of things. The building old pipes also exploded flooding the fishing department that was the only department that was making good profit for the store. A few days later after they had turned off the water system in the building the old building office room upstairs got caught on fire and with no water sprinkler burned the top floor and the building had to be closed and fix. We were task to paint, assembled the shelves and reorganize the inventory. It was also the same time I started to think that maybe I don’t really need the medication. So, I quit cold turkey stop taking my medication totally. Which after a few days I was having bad symptoms and mild delusions that I never had before. I became very sensitive and my delusions was that my dad was following my movements. During that time, I wasn’t also able to handle the stress anymore so I quit my job at the army & navy store. After a couple of few days I was badly behaving at home. I wasn’t eating a lot and was alone in my room or out walking with delusions that I was being followed. I came to conclusion that during that time I was very stressed out from everything as well that drive me to find myself. I was rude and not following my parent’s instructions. At to which one night I came home wet from walking in the rain. They asked me what’s wrong and I replied blanky then when they were in there room I had fantasy that I was very sensitive that our neighbors could hear our loud voices and loud footsteps and was disturbing them because our condo apartment was very close and just had thin wood in the wall so I was crawling on the floor. My parents thought it was strange so they decided to call 911 for the ambulance to come for me. It was the police that came to our door and handcuffed me and I followed their instruction to go inside their car and we drove to the hospital in New West. Their when we got there the staff ask if I had mental illness, I said I was schizophrenia. They hospital emergency ward was new and very scary to me. They had given me medications that got me groggy and not able to response to their questions. After a few days I was scared of the place and was very confused as to why I was there and was scared that I wasn’t able to see my parents. Then after a few times I had bad interactions with the staffs but after a while I became relaxed and talk to the nurse giving them my rose drawings and mentioned to her that “Life is one big circle” knowing this now she probably thought I was going to commit suicide not thinking that what I meant was positively that a person goes through everything in life bad and the good one as a one big circle that I learned during the time I was finding myself. After that the next day I was strapped in a white stretcher and move downstairs then out the hospital to an ambulance. I thought I was being kidnapped because during that time no one told me about anything. Then the ambulance and I got to stop Infront of a big house (Timber Creek PICU facility). When we got there, I was confused again I see younger patients like me but was wearing a different color hospital pajama (Blue). After a few hours I was thought that the other people there were going to hurt me so I had an idea in my head to make them laugh by running naked streaking across the hallway. So, I removed my clothing and ran butt naked outside my room were the other patients saw me and were laughing. Then they gave me meds and put me in the seclusion room upstairs then moved to the seclusion room downstairs where It was dark and cold with one mattress on the floor and a metal sink on top of the metal toilet. During my stay I was scared about the other patients and was worried that I might not see my parents anymore. I wondered if I had done something wrong and maybe I was in a forensic area because of the tall fenced with barbwires and cameras. But I was lucky that my parents would visit when they can. During my stay I met different characters, some were evil and some were funny. In the beginning we did not like each other and I even thought they were going to do something bad to me because I seem the weakest. I was worried because there were tough looking groups. So, one time when they were planning something outside my room that I over heard to hurt someone I began to have the idea again to make them laugh by running butt naked again outside in the hall. Which I did that made them all laugh at me then the staff gave me the green medication that made my head spin and my eyes rolling. The security would also be there at when they gave me meds. After a while I began to come down and start being friends with the other patients the we began to form friendships and bonded which most of the time I was in the room sleeping cuz of the negative side-effects. After a while I was calming down and began talking more to everyone and after 2 months, they move me back to Sherbrook. I was stable and began to ask for maybe a second opinion because I still believed that I did not need the full medication but the Dr they assigned to me just went up to my room with out asking question and says that I should stay in the medication.

After I got out in the community, I became closer to my parents I told them that I was going to learn how to cook and I became more sociable and polite to friends. After a couple of months, the doctor just gave me clozapine and gradually lowered and the abilify to low dose and after a few months out. My weight fluctuated ted between 210-220 lbs and my health records were not so great so they gave me metoprolol. I kept showing good attitude and tried to better myself and joined the ECHO Clubhouse YA group and did volunteer work over time. I attended all the doctors’ appointment and work hard to better my self. I was able to show all the doctors I had that came and go of good improvements and after my long request they lowered my medication to around 125mg.

I then started to take the Peer Support training and pass the course. After a few months I had to practicum at the hospital where I had to shadow one of the original peers supports there at RCH. I had to wake up early so I requested to lower my meds even more gradually this time because I had learned in the past that it was not good to take it off cold turkey. So, I had asked to lower it gradually over a few months safely.

 

At first, I got my medication lowered to 125mg gradually moderately for months. I had learned my lessons from before about not taking the medication cold turkey so I requested it to be lowered gradually. I did not like the sedative effects it given me the whole day. Now, after loosing much weight and going to the gym I’m afraid that my sedation side effects got worse. I would be sleeping more than 10 -12 hours sometimes waking up around 1pm – 2pm which would make me miss the first half of the day and making it tough to go to the gym early because I get groggy. My eyes would sometime hurt after waking up from sleeping for so long. I have done everything from sleeping earlier to taking the meds early but nothing worked. I would like to request to have the medication tapered lowered slowly to about 125mg like before it was lowered to 85mg on October 18, 2023 the day we met me before they randomly put me in the St Paul psych ward on October 21, 2023. I was out there making and compiling my dance videos I was making for about 1 hr each day which began from Monday to Friday (I have proof of the videos clips on my phone dancing looking fine and happy). It was for me to upload on youtube and to share to my close friends to get there mind off from the negative effects of what was happening in GAZA. I feel that what happened to me was a big misunderstanding. I was just hungry didn’t eat that day and did not drink water waiting to meet with the girl I like or 1 of my 2 friends at the Robson ice rink but did not show up. I did nothing wrong I wasn’t violent or suicidal. I was hoping to meet up with the girl I like at night to maybe hook up with her so it was also a reason why I did not take my meds a few days prior because I did not want my sperm to be tainted with meds. I am a virgin and was scared that my sperm might be tainted with meds but now after doing the review pannel and telling the pannel about what happened the doctor judge told me that clozapine doesn’t and can’t affect the sperm. I beg to lower my meds back down to 125mg. I am not asking to stop the meds completely because I know I need it, I would just like to lower it to enough dose that I can be able to handle and wake up early. I have done and changed a lot of things in my life positively now to prove that I am more aware and more mature in life. I have taken many steps to forward my life to a positive path. I don’t smoke weed; I haven’t done any drugs since 2018 or don’t drink any alcohol since I got out from the hospital in 2023. I have learned how to work out properly by myself now, cook good, tasty healthy meals. I learned how to budget properly, how to save money. I learned how to be more polite, helpful and be a good person to my family and to everybody. I would like to request to lower my clozapine down to 125mg like once before. I am not asking to stop it I would just like to fix my sleeping, be able to wake up properly and function the whole day. I would like to do it and if doesn’t work and show any negative symptoms I will bring the mediation back to 150mg. I just need to try it soon to be able to fix my life completely.

 

Thanks!

Alren Buhay